Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Time of My Life

Looking back it is easy for me to say that the best time of my life up to this point was when I had a girlfriend. I am 19 years old now, and while most guys my age have had multiple female companions by now, I have had one. She and I dated for a year and half, and without question it was the happiest time of my life. I can honestly say I have not been the same since.

From what my mom has told me, my dad never thought he would get married either. His plan was to stay single his entire life and continue working the farm he and his five brothers had grown up on. But clearly that plan changed. He somehow met my mom, and, well, things happened. But now he's gone, and I'm here. My mom and grandma tell me I'm a lot like he was. I like to think so, but I will never know.

Sometimes I think I will be spending my life alone as well. This is not because I want to. I think I would love nothing more than to fall asleep at night holding the most beautiful girl in the world, or to have someone to talk to. I think it would be fantastic to have someone in my life that would be able to break through these walls I’ve built around myself. And I can’t even dream about how it would feel to hold a baby in my arms and know that it is a part of me; to see the sweet, innocent beauty on its face. I’ve spent years thinking about these things. But I don’t know if they will ever be reality for me.

It turns out I am more like my dad than I even realize. Part of the reason he never planned on marrying was because he didn’t want his kids to end up like him. I’ve determined that is also one of my fears about having kids. His entire life he struggled with dyslexia, and a resultant feeling of inferiority. He didn’t want his children to go through what he did. Well, neither one of them has dyslexia, but I think they both carry a feeling of inferiority around with them. But like I said, I don’t want to pass on the same traits to my kids that I find so appalling about myself. I want them to be at ease in a crowded room, I want them to be friendly and not afraid to meet new people. I want my son to be able to talk to girls, to be able to open up and share himself with his friends. I want him to make friends on a deep level without fear of appearing foolish. Above all, though, I just want them to comfortable with who they are. These are all things I’ve struggled with for years, and I know that if I have kids of my own they will pick up these things, because that is the example I will unintentionally set for them.

This is one of the reasons why I’ve avoided any possible relationship with a girl since my last girlfriend and I broke up. It’s not that I plan on having kids anytime soon, know. But what makes this really stupid is I know that when I was in a relationship I was the happiest I’ve ever been. That certainly had to have something to do with the girl I was with, but who’s to say there aren’t any other girls out there that can make me happy?

Anyway, I’ve spent the last year and a half or so dreaming about having a girlfriend, but never making any moves to get one because I’m too scared for a hundred different reasons. It’s lame, I’ll admit it. But that’s just how it is. Maybe one day I’ll find someone that can set me free again. Maybe someday I’ll grow a pair and go after what will make me happy. Maybe someday I will once again have the time of my life. Maybe...maybe...maybe....

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