While facebook does a good job connecting you with the lives of people you want to be connected with, I have come to learn the reverse is also true. What used to be a person I wanted to be connected with forever has now become someone I'd rather forget. But I don't have the balls to unfriend her--I care about her too much. I already have her blocked, but that doesn't always do it.
Thanks to facebook, even though I'm 600 miles away from her, she broke my heart again. She didn't even say a word. You see, the problem is that I love her. But she doesn't love me. There was a time when we use to be pretty important in each other's lives. Things didn't work out, though. She's gone her own way now. She has moved on from whatever it was we had pretty easily. I, on the other hand, have not. Tonight I caught a glimpse of her profile picture which is her with her new boyfriend. That's where facebook let me down.
The thought of her with some other guy has always been enough to make me want to puke. But seeing it for real almost made me puke. My heart stops, my stomach clenches in knots, and I struggle to breathe. It's sickening. It's disgusting. And it makes me cry every time.
I wanted nothing more than to be that guy sitting next to her, holding her hand. But one day she realized I wasn't what she wanted. And overnight I went from everything to nothing.
She messed me up. She didn't try to or want to, I know that. But it is what it is. I've had a really hard time recovering from it all. I sometimes wonder if I ever will.
I feel like what I struggle with the most is the doubt it all caused. I have a hard time imagining ever being good enough for anyone now. And if someone ever does find me good enough, I have a hard time believing they will be anything like she was. She was and is the most incredible girl I've ever known. I should think positive and be happy that, at least for a while, I was important to her, and she at least thought about me as a possibility. But that's just not real. It will always hurt because in the end, what I am and who I am isn't what she wanted. Why would anyone else think differently?