Sunday, May 16, 2010

Socially Retarded

It's a Saturday night, and while the rest of the "normal" teen population is out terrorizing neighborhoods, or swapping spit with their significant other, here I sit, at home, lost in deep concentration as to what the heck is wrong with me, and very much alone. It's a simple diagnosis, really. I'm socially retarded. Somewhere along the way I missed the class on interpersonal relationships, carrying on a conversation worth listening to, and talking without sounding like a fool. Oh yeah, and flirting with girls.

But is flirting really a necessary practice? I like to think it's not. Obviously, though, I'm very alone on that one, because everyone flirts. Perhaps this unique perspective of mine could be the reason I sit here tonight typing this instead of out on the town. Perhaps it is the very reason I am still alone. Do you think I could be on to something here?

Basically, I'm broken...or socially retarded as I like to say. Example: Whereas most males naturally gravitate toward a good looking girl, I move away from one. Whereas most males flirt with a girl they like, and talk to her, I basically ignore her. I wish I could tell you why; I wish I could tell myself why. I wish I wasn't this way, but I am. It's this realization that makes me seriously believe I will spend my life as a bachelor, and will eventually die a lonely old man--if I even make it to the old man part.

It has happened time and again throughout my teenage years. I will start liking a girl and immediately begin shutting myself off from her. It doesn't even matter if I was already friends with her before, once I start liking her I shut down. I can't talk to her; I can't act normal around her. I get so nervous I forget how to function. Most recently it happened with a girl from my high school class. I was never really close to her to begin with, but throughout the first half of our senior year we did become better friends. But over Thanksgiving break something changed, I don't know why I did or how it happened, but I started liking her. And just like that, what little friendship we had was over. I could no longer talk to her. I was afraid to be in the same room with her. I couldn't breathe when she was within 20 feet of me. She suddenly consumed my thoughts, and even though I wanted nothing more than to just be her friend, I couldn't. The worst part about it is there were so many clues that told me she liked me, too. I'm sure she thinks I was oblivious to them all, but I wasn't. I'm a pretty observant guy, I think I picked up on most of them, but I was too scared to do anything about it. I didn't know what to do about it.

I still think about her every day; it seems like I dream about her at least every other night. We graduated almost one year ago and she is still always on my mind. I only have to catch a glimpse of someone that vaguely resembles her and my heart will stop. Just the sight of a car that looks like hers is enough to give me goose bumps. Even though I'm sure she has never thought of me like I do her, I can't help but hope that maybe she does think about me. Even though holding onto her like this is killing me, I don't know how to stop, I don't know how to let go.

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