Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Matter of the Heart

My family on my dad’s side doesn't talk much, and especially not about anything serious—like feelings. Now my mom, she does not have this problem. After growing up around people like this I guess it’s not hard to understand why I tend to not share my feelings either.

But you know, it’s weird, because inside I’m a really deep, emotional person. I hate chit chat and small talk and little gossipy things that don’t mean anything. When I’m upset, I want nothing more than to let it out. Inside I will be screaming out hoping someone will hear me. But for whatever reason, when I need to talk the most, that is when I say the least. I literally shut down and make it a point not to say anything that would cause someone to ask me how I’m feeling. It’s dumb. But I think the reason is because if someone asks me how I’m feeling, I don’t want it to be because they feel like they are suppose to ask me that. I want them to really care enough to ask me about it on their own accord. Even then though, I will make someone fight to get at what I’m really feeling, because that’s just how I am.

I often wonder, though, about how life would be if we simply told each other how we really truly feel. I was talking with one of my cousins about this at Thanksgiving, about how much our family likes to talk about feelings. But then I was like, “You know, it’s stupid that we don’t, because I bet inside we all wish we did.” And I probably am right. Everybody wants to feel close to somebody, and you don’t get that way by not telling them how you feel.

So why then do we not do it? It’s because of fear. We are afraid of being rejected for how we feel, or of being ridiculed or harassed. We’re afraid the recipient might not feel the same, and therefore not understand. In a lot of cases it could be because we think no one really cares. I know when I want to talk about my feelings is when I’m upset about something, and who wants to listen to someone complain about stuff they’re upset about? Most of the time I can’t even understand my feelings, so I’m afraid to talk to someone about them out of fear of being annoying or something.

But what if we all just grew a pair and maybe started telling each other the good things we feel, like when we care about someone. I couldn't begin to count the number of nights I've laid in bed thinking about how it would be to tell a certain girl how I feel about her, or hoping a girl would text me. But what if all those nights she was laying there thinking the same thing? Or have you laid there at night wishing you could talk to her/him about how you’re feeling about her/him or whatever else you’re feeling, but you don’t because you don’t want to seem needy or annoying to weak? Well they are humans too, they have those same feelings. Maybe those sleepless nights would cease to exist if we’d just tell each other. I know it’s crazy and will never happen, but it’s an interesting thought.

The big one that gets me is the classic: what if they died tonight and you never told them how you really care about them? I have a Word document saved on my computer titled “Things I Wish I’d Said...” that is kind my way of dealing with that, because most of the time I don’t feel it would be accepted if I told people. But I really want to. Especially when it comes to girls I like. That last part is pretty natural, I think, because like I said, we all want to be close to somebody, and that’s how you do it. I did tell a girl once, but it was after the relationship had ended. I’m still glad I did it though.

No comments: