Thursday, February 10, 2011

The End and the Beginning

For the past two months I have been talking to my uncle about the details of me coming to work for him on the farm. Finally the arrangements have been made and the date is set. As of now it looks like the last day of February will be my final day here in what has become my home. But I'm not too sad about leaving because in addition to leaving home, I'll be going home.

Since I was a little boy I've been going to the farm for holidays and visits, but every time I would inevitably have to leave, and as I did it would be with a heavy-heart, because I really didn't want to. I loved it there, I wanted to stay there. But now I'll be going there to stay. I'm sure it won't feel just as it did when I was five because I won't just be exploring, but I'll be working. My time will probably be filled with work. But the work won't be for some boss that hardly knows me, and cares about me even less. It'll be for my family and with my family, and it will be work that I expect I will enjoy. Instead of being confined to a retail store where I have to deal with the general public answering their questions and helping them find things, I will be working with my hands, driving equipment, and learning how to tear them apart to repair them.

The more I think about it the more excited and eager I become. Some nights I lie awake for hours thinking about how it might all turn out. On paper it looks and sounds so good. But then on the other hand, I also wonder about why it might not turn out like I hope. Maybe the work I think I will like will quickly turn into a dull routine. Maybe I'll find that all the things I thought I didn't like about where I now live were better than I realized, and I was only taking what I had for granted. Or perhaps the age difference between me and my uncles will make it hard for us to relate and it will still feel like I'm working for someone who hardly knows me.

To be honest, I’m scared. The seeds of doubt are in my mind. But in addition to the doubt there is hope. If nothing else, I’m hopeful that somehow it will all work out in the end. Even if I do find that it is all just one more thing I’m not meant to do, then so be it, because if that is the case then it was worth it.

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