It’s another one of those can’t sleep kind of nights, where
all you do is lay there and think about all the things you didn’t have time to
think about during the day, and all the things you try your best to not think
about at night. For whatever reason, there are nights like tonight when all
that stuff comes bubbling to the surface and your mind isn’t tired enough to
push past the thoughts, and you are left with no other choice than to face
them.
I won’t bore you with a run-down of all the nonsense that’s
been spinning around in my head for the last two hours. Instead I want to focus
on one thing I stumbled upon that I felt was kind of profound.
Maybe it’s just me, but as a single guy I find that most
nights I lie here thinking about girls before finally drifting off to sleep.
For a long time it was just one girl that I thought of, but the time has come
to try and move on from that, so I do my best to ignore her and focus on
others. I was sort of doing that tonight. The girl I began thinking about is
one that I’ve thought of before. I knew her a long time ago when we were both
kids. I kind of liked her back then, but my family moved away and I forgot
about her for close to ten years.
I started thinking about what it would be like to—you know—“be
with her”. I tried to imagine how I would feel lying there close to her,
feeling her body against mine. What would she smell like? What would we talk
about? Would I even enjoy it? She is a very nice looking girl, so I have no doubt
the man in me would be attracted to her and would enjoy the physical feelings
that go along with that kind of situation. But based on past experience, I’m
not so sure the experience would leave me completely satisfied.
There was a time not too long ago, while I was at a very low
point in my life, that I spent a night with a girl that I really didn’t know very
well. When I say I was “with her”, I don’t mean we slept together. We did get
familiar, but that was the extent of it. While it was nice in some respects, I’m
not sure I’d do it again. I wasn’t comfortable, and nothing about it felt
right. I can’t say for sure if I’d feel the same way with this other girl or
not.
Compared to a lot of guys my age I have been with very few
girls—only three. And even then, while I’ve gone pretty far with a couple of
them, I’ve never been all the way. The first two were girls I had gotten to
know on a personal level. I had grown to care about them deeply for who they
were and not just how they looked on the outside, and so being with them like
that meant something. But the last one was something I would undo if I could. Now
it is another lesson learned.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that just sleeping with a
girl—even a beautiful one—isn’t what I want. What I’ve found is that more than
anything I want to be emotionally connected to someone before having any sort
of intimate relationship with them, because the intimacy is what I crave above
all else. And no matter what she may look like, how rich her family is, how
good she smells, or what she might say to me, unless she is someone I care
about, it wouldn’t mean a thing.
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